I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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