i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
