Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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