i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
