my mouth tastes like poor choices
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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