I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
