I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
