I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
