I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
