Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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