you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
