One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
