Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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