So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
