I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
