new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
