I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
