Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
