I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think people are normalizing furries
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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