She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
