Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
