I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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