I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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We're too hungover to prance.
did i just pee glitter
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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