Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
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FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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