i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
