If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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