Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
