I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
