I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
