Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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