I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
God I need to hump something, right now.
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