Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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