He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
