I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
