So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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