I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
