I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
