she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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