Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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