Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
