You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
