Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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