wakey wakey hands off snakey
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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