if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
