i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
