I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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