You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
