At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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