Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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