Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
