cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Who died my cat blue again?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
