Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
