i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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