all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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