if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
