Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
