i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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