I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
