you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
