I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
