My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
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I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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