i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
